When You’re Stuck in the Wrong Conversation: How to Shift Levels and Lead with Confidence

Ever walked into a conversation with a clear point to make, only to walk out completely thrown off?

You knew what you wanted to say. You prepared. You thought you had the facts.

But somewhere in that exchange, you got lost. You ended up in a deep discussion about details you didn’t want to get into, and now you’re thinking: How did we end up here?

You’re not alone.

This happens to a lot of leaders, especially when your team members are strong on content, and maybe even more knowledgeable on the technical side than you are.

So what do you do when the conversation derails?

Here’s the key:

👉 Don’t stay stuck on the content level. Shift the conversation.

Let me explain how that works.

The Four Levels of Communication

When people talk, they’re not just talking about something.

They’re also shaping how they relate to each other while they talk.

In leadership conversations, there are four levels you can operate on:

1. Content – What the conversation is about (facts, issues, KPIs, performance, etc.)

2. Process – How the conversation is going (who says what, who decides, what the flow is)

3. Interaction – The dynamics between people (tone, energy, body language)

4. Emotion – The feelings underneath it all (frustration, disappointment, tension, fear)

When conversations get stuck, it’s almost always because you’re stuck at level 1: the content.

And content is important. But it’s not where breakthroughs happen.

If you want to lead strong conversations, you need to be able to switch levels.

A Real Example: When Content Isn’t the Real Problem

A while ago, I was managing a department where part of my role was to approve or reject customer cases submitted by advisors.

One day, I rejected a case submitted by a team member: let’s call him Arnold. I explained my decision clearly, but he was visibly disappointed. That’s understandable. It’s not easy when a case you worked hard on doesn’t go through.

But then something unexpected happened.

A colleague of Arnold’s, someone not directly involved, came storming into my office. Let’s call her Nina.

She launched into a heated argument, criticizing my decision, defending the case, and questioning my judgment.

Now, here’s the thing:

She wasn’t part of the process. She wasn’t the advisor. And the conversation quickly became intense and overloaded with content: facts, arguments, evidence.

And for a moment, I froze.

I didn’t have all the content answers she wanted. But I also knew: this is not the real issue.

So I asked her one simple question:

“Nina, what is your role in this situation?”

Boom. Conversation over.

Because it wasn’t her place to argue the case. And deep down, we both knew that.

Shifting Levels: How to Take Back Control in a Conversation

When you feel the discussion is going in circles, or pulling you into a place you don’t want to go, try shifting to one of the other levels:

1. Shift to Process

Example:

“Hold on, what’s your role in this conversation?”

“I’ve already shared my reasoning with Arnold directly and that’s who I’ll have this discussion with.”

Why this works:

It resets the boundaries. You’re not saying no to the discussion. You’re saying this is not the right way or the right person to have it with.

2. Shift to Interaction

Example:

“I notice your tone is rising, I want us to stay respectful here.”

Or even:

“I see that your voice is trembling. Something is clearly bothering you, can you help me understand what’s going on for you?”

Why this works:

It disrupts the spiral. Instead of battling over content, you bring awareness to how the conversation is playing out between you.

3. Shift to Emotion

Example:

“This doesn’t feel okay to me. I sense this is about more than just the case, can we talk about what’s really going on?”

Or simply:

“I feel this conversation is going in a direction I’m not comfortable with.”

Why this works:

You humanize the conversation. You bring in your intuition and you name the undercurrent instead of getting swept up in it.

4. Ask the Magic Question

“What’s this really about?”

This question has the power to pierce through the noise.

Because often, it’s not about that decision or that case or that implementation. It’s about something deeper: recognition, insecurity, frustration, or lack of trust.

And you don’t need to prove anything. You don’t need to win the content argument.

You just need to listen, shift, and lead the conversation where it actually needs to go.

You Don’t Have to Have All the Answers

That’s one of the myths of leadership: that you always need to know more than your team.

You don’t.

You just need to hold the space where the real conversation can happen.

And to do that, you need the courage to shift levels and not get dragged into the weeds.

So the next time you’re in a conversation that’s going nowhere fast, ask yourself:

“What level are we on right now?”

“And what level should we be on to move this forward?”

Then make the shift. With clarity. With confidence. With care.