Leadership Rule #4: Never Talk to Team Members About Other Team Members

Picture this:

You’re a manager of about fifteen people, and during a 1:1, one of your team members starts venting about someone else in the team. Maybe it sounds like a complaint, maybe it’s framed more like a “concern.” Either way, as they talk, something clicks. Yes, you think, I’ve noticed this too. This might be something I need to act on.

But here’s the catch:

You can’t act on that. Not directly. And definitely not in a way that makes it seem like you’re responding to what was just said. Because that would violate one of the unspoken, but critical, rules of leadership:

Don’t talk to your team members about other team members. Ever.

Sure, you can talk about team members, with your manager, or with peers at your own level. That’s different. But triangulating within your own team? That’s a trust killer.

Why This Is So Dangerous

Let’s take a step back.

It’s tempting to think that if someone flags a performance issue or a team dynamic that’s off, you should do something immediately. After all, we want team members to speak up. But here’s the psychological landmine:

• If you act too visibly on what’s shared, it becomes obvious where it came from.

• If you don’t act at all, it may look like you don’t care and others lose trust in you.

At the same time, if people start to think that anything they say in confidence might get turned into “action,” they’ll stop coming to you. They’ll stop speaking honestly. Or worse: they’ll start speaking to each other about their frustrations, and not to you at all.

It’s your job as a leader to hold that line. You are the keeper of safety and the setter of norms and in this case, that means setting a hard boundary.

So What Can You Do?

Let’s walk through a few practical responses that show leadership, protect trust, and still allow you to take real action if needed.

1. Name the boundary. Gently, but clearly.

When someone starts talking about another team member, you might say something like:

“Thanks for sharing this with me. I do want you to know, as a rule, I don’t talk about others in the team with their colleagues. That helps keep things safe for everyone. But I appreciate you trusting me with what you’re seeing.”

This immediately sets the tone. It tells the person they’ve been heard without opening the door to gossip or backchanneling.

2. Redirect accountability: “What have you done with this yourself?”

We don’t want a culture where every minor issue gets escalated to management. We want adults. Professionals. Colleagues who know how to talk to each other. So it’s fair to ask:

“Have you already spoken to them about this?”

“What’s stopped you from bringing it up directly?”

Sometimes, people need help building the courage or skill to have tough conversations. That’s part of your role too, coaching them to speak up, not outsourcing conflict resolution to you.

3. If something serious is going on… don’t act immediately.

Let’s say the concern that’s shared is valid. You’ve already had your own doubts. Maybe you’re even considering an exit trajectory. Still, don’t take immediate action right after the conversation.

If you jump into action the next day, everyone will connect the dots. “Oh, that must be because I spoke to her.” Boom, safety gone. Trust broken. And now no one ever wants to be “the one who said something” again.

Take space. Create time. Act later based on your own leadership lens. That’s how you show integrity and ownership.

4. Reinforce your leadership quietly and people will notice.

When you’re working with someone on underperformance, you don’t need to announce it. You don’t need to put it in Slack or drop hints at lunch. Your team will notice:

• More 1:1s on your calendar

• A shift in dynamic

• Subtle changes in ownership or tone

People notice more than we think. And when they do, they’ll feel reassured: Ah, my manager sees it too. Something is happening. I’m not crazy.

That subtle shift builds trust and sets a quiet but powerful norm: Here, we hold each other to a standard.

Final Thought: Lead from Principle, Not Reaction

Leadership isn’t just about solving problems. It’s about how you solve them. And especially when it comes to team dynamics, how you respond can either reinforce a culture of safety, or completely unravel it.

So next time someone brings you a concern about someone else, pause. Breathe. Set the boundary. And lead from principle, not reaction.

You don’t need to tell everyone what you’re doing, they’ll feel it in the way you lead.